I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Randomize
