I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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