He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
