I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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