I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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