its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
