It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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