Four minutes until I can fart!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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