george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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