She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
