I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
