And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
