Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You pole danced in your parka.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
