Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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