Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize