He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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