dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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