I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
