I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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