thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The ass gains better be worth it
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