Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
