she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
