there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
