He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
