Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
