you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
