just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Randomize
