hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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