Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
