Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
