It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
