just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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