I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
