The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
