I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
