I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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