I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
