Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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