Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
