I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
