Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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