it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
