it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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