I seem to have left my pride at pride
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
