Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
