i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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