I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
