I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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