While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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