That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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