Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
