I'm lost and stupid without you.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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