He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
