When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Too much gin, very little bucket
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Randomize
