I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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