When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
