Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
