just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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