Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
