my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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