He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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