Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
