If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I could fuck to npr.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
